On October 8, I visited San Francisco and ended up at Embarcadero Plaza, where I saw a group of Palestinian protesters supporting Hamas and opposing the Jewish occupation. At first, this really surprised and even shocked me, because the news often describes Hamas as a terrorist organization. I walked around the rally for a while, carefully studying the signs with slogans like “Free Palestine” and “End the Occupation,” and I felt that this protest was clearly much deeper than just an expression of aggression. I decided to learn more, to understand the history of the conflict and its roots, and it turned out that things were far from as clear-cut as they are portrayed in the news.
This moment had a strong impact on me, and I decided to discuss my thoughts with my friend Natan. I started by telling him about the rally and how deeply it had affected me. Natan immediately responded that he was against such actions and considered them support for terrorism. I tried to explain that the situation in the Middle East is actually much more complex than it is depicted and that there are many nuances that don’t fit into a simple black-and-white picture. But our conversation quickly escalated into an argument. Natan wouldn’t listen to my arguments, rejecting them as if he could not even allow the thought that the situation could be different. He just kept repeating, like a memorized line, the official position of the “liberal” media, as if he was not ready to hear anything else.
This discussion left me deep in thought. I realized how deeply biased views can hinder an objective perception of reality. For me, it became a lesson: in order to truly understand a conflict, you need to see it from different perspectives, not limiting yourself to just what is said in the media.
Closer to the winter of 2023, I had a great idea—I decided to edit a video about golf. I had really taken a liking to this sport, I loved the local courses, and already knew the rules of the game. To realize my idea, I started learning the basics of video editing, trying out different programs and approaches, gradually mastering the art of creating videos. I chose the Santa Teresa golf course and went there several times with a camera, filming my practice sessions and the course itself. There was even a funny episode when several people approached me and asked what YouTube channel I was from. Maybe I should have told them my channel name, but at that time I said the video was for friends. It seemed like a great opportunity to do something creative. I filmed the course and sent the video to my friends, including Nadia’s Dance School and Nadia herself. This project inspired me, and I felt that I was moving in the right direction, enjoying life in America.
Then, filled with good mood and new interests, I decided to reconnect with my old friend Kolya. He had deceived me more than once, including the story with the sale of my car, but I decided to forgive him and give our friendship a second chance—I wanted to believe that people are capable of changing. As a sign of reconciliation, I even shared the contact of my American friend Natan with him. Kolya was glad to have the opportunity to talk to a real American and seemed to truly enjoy this new experience. We started chatting again on Telegram.
One day, when the conversation accidentally touched on Nadia, Kolya remarked that he thought I had long forgotten her. Those words felt like a punch to the heart. I realized that, for Kolya, my attempts to reconnect with Nadia seemed insignificant, even foolish. It became obvious that he considered himself more reasonable in this matter and was sure that sooner or later I would have to forget her, as if it was just a youthful infatuation that would eventually pass. He assumed that new interests and moving to America would help me get over her.
I was deeply struck by how Kolya saw me and my feelings for Nadia, without realizing their true significance. For him, it was just a fleeting crush, whereas for me—it was something much deeper and more valuable. He thought that I simply couldn’t see reality, which was why I wanted to get Nadia back, defending this image out of a sense of dependency. To him, I still seemed too naive and didn’t understand that Nadia was the past, and that the past should be let go. But in fact, I had long since moved beyond that stage. My desire to tell Nadia the truth was a conscious, mature decision, not the result of some emotional dependency. This issue was more important to me than anything else in the world, and he simply didn’t understand that, reducing my feelings to ordinary infatuation.
Yes, I had realized this for a long time, but my conversation with Kolya once again confirmed that people like him are too down-to-earth and live trapped in their own prejudices and stereotypes. They are unable to see the true depth of feelings and the importance that someone can attach to their actions and emotions. This became another reminder for me of how easily people can judge others without wanting to look into their inner world.
He secretly told Natan about my attempts to reconnect with Nadia, apparently deciding that I needed to hear an authoritative opinion to finally “see reality.” It seemed that if I didn’t take his opinion seriously, perhaps an American’s perspective would make me rethink my actions. After this, Natan constantly started asking me about Nadia, always adding that Nadia was a poor girl who didn’t know how to get rid of me. This really infuriated me. It put me in an awkward position, especially since I did not want this topic to be discussed with Natan. I understood perfectly well that Natan would perceive this in a biased and superficial way, and that is exactly what happened. This situation became a bitter lesson for me—people rarely change, and giving them second chances without reliable grounds is risky. Sometimes it’s better not to share your inner world with those who are unable to appreciate it.
In my interactions with Natan, it was clear that he had started seeing me as someone with a clouded mind, living in illusions and unable to let go of an ex. He began to see me as naive and foolish, despite all my achievements and two university degrees. How could he think this about me after all our previous conversations, I just don’t understand. He wasn’t even bothered by the fact that I had accomplished more in life than the average person, and that being in love usually demands all your emotional energy and attention. If it were true, I wouldn’t have been able to achieve the success I did.
When I asked Kolya why he did it, he said that I had done it myself, but had just forgotten. He blamed me and started gaslighting. I felt a wave of anger and disappointment rising inside me. I wanted to scream, to prove the opposite. I started telling him that he was a horrible person, and that I was going to block him.
To this, he replied that if I blocked him, how would he be able to get money from the FSB for reporting on me? I was shocked by this confession, and honestly, at first I didn’t believe it. He also said that the FSB had visited Nadia as well, but she refused. Although it was hard to believe, I was sure that if they had really come to her, she would never have agreed.
Nadia is a person you can trust. She was always loyal and honest. I knew that if they really tried to involve her, she wouldn’t go along with it. Nadia has a strength of spirit that is rarely found. That’s why I could be sure of her decision.
Later, when I got into an argument on the social network VKontakte, probably about some political topic, someone wrote to me: “Igoryashka is upset that your friend betrayed you?” A stranger knew this information. Then it became clear to me—Kolya hadn’t lied. Most likely, that person was a security service officer. Everyone knows that VKontakte is full of law enforcement agents, and such things are not uncommon.
I asked Natan directly, trying to figure out who exactly had told him about my attempts to reconnect with Nadia: was it me or Kolya? Natan, with a slight smirk, replied, “Of course Kolya. What a silly question.” I objected, saying that Kolya claimed the opposite—that I had told him myself, but just forgot. Natan was shocked by Kolya’s blatant lie and said, “That’s like showing someone something white, and they calmly insist it’s black.” I forwarded Natan’s reply to Kolya to prove his lie, and after that I blocked him for good, ending all communication.
Natan continued trying to “wake me up” and get his point across—that I needed to forget Nadia and find a new girl in California. On New Year’s Eve 2024, I gave Natan an ultimatum: “Either Nadia stays in my life, or you leave.” His reaction surprised me—he simply blocked me and deleted our chat. This shocked me, but I accepted his decision: “Well, okay, that’s his choice.” After that, I blocked him as well.
Natan’s actions seemed both impulsive and rational at the same time. His plan, as I see it, was simple: thinking that my feelings for Nadia were just infatuation, he decided to “teach me a lesson.” By blocking me, he probably expected that in a week I would come to my senses, realize that Natan was real, and Nadia was just an illusion, and come back to him. But his plan didn’t work.
A week later, Natan unblocked me, but I decided not to resume our friendship. I did not respond to his gesture and didn’t unblock him. That’s how my relationships with both Natan and Kolya ended.
However, throughout January, I was haunted by memories of their pressure, their conviction that I needed to forget Nadia, that I would “win” if I let her go. They believed I was just in love, and this irritated me. Their mistaken opinion about me did not let me rest, and even though we no longer communicated, the projections of these thoughts continued to haunt me.
I understood that I had to keep doing what I believed was right. My soul and heart demanded it, and so, let those who think superficially go their own way. I would continue to follow my own path. I had long had the idea—to show Nadia how my life turned out here in America. But only now did I finally decide to do it—to shoot and edit a video about how I live. After all, much of what I have now is connected to those moments and experiences of interacting with her, and this whole story is imbued with her presence.
But over time, these projections in my mind started bothering me more and more. I needed support to keep moving forward and doing what I believed was right. In search of this support, I remembered the psychologist Lena, whom I had started working with back in the fall-winter of 2021, and decided to reach out to her again. At least, that’s what I thought—for support.
