One day, Nadya and I were sitting at my place. The day was peaceful. Maybe she had come over that day, or maybe we had just come home early from somewhere. Everything was fine until there was a knock at the door. When I opened it, I saw Vasya and Zhenya. Their appearance immediately alarmed me. I told them to get lost, but Vasya ignored my words. Showing incredible insolence, in a gangster-like manner, he literally burst into the apartment, shoving me aside.
I went into the room to Nadya, and they followed me as if nothing had happened. Standing by the table, Vasya casually asked how we were doing and immediately, in a demonstrative way, began drawing lines of amphetamine right on the table. He knew it would scare Nadya, and it seemed to me he was doing everything on purpose to frighten her, to make her want to leave. In front of her eyes, he and Zhenya started using drugs, and it was not just an insult—it was an invasion into our lives. I myself was scared, but I couldn’t stop what was happening.
Vasya knew exactly what he was doing, and after a few minutes of their “fun,” they got up and left as if nothing had happened. That was the last time Nadya ever saw Vasya and Zhenya, and I was glad she never saw them again. But that episode left a deep mark on our relationship. Nadya was frightened, and I couldn’t blame her—this was not just a scary moment, it was something much greater, something that shook her trust in me and in the world that surrounded me.
After that incident, I had to convince Nadya that I didn’t use anything like that myself. And that was true. Yes, I had tried that drug before, but I preferred a sober lifestyle. The thought that drugs could destroy me always frightened me. I feared for my life as much as anyone else and tried to stay away from it. I refused in most cases, and I could count on one hand how many times I let myself experiment. This fear for my life and the understanding of the consequences kept me from sinking deeper into that world. But despite my words, the aftertaste that remained with Nadya after that evening was too strong.
To be honest, that case made me once again think about how our thoughts can materialize. Not long before that meeting, in a playful way, I had imagined a similar scenario, as if showing off to Nadya, like, “look what drug dealer friends I have.” But later I realized how destructive those thoughts were and tried to get rid of them. I myself wanted to stay away from that kind of company. Yet, even though I consciously tried to refuse those thoughts, for some reason, they were the ones that materialized in reality. This question remains open for me: did I foresee that event, or did my thoughts somehow bring it into existence?
Shortly after that barbecue with Kolya, which Nadya and I were invited to, he invited me to return to the company where I once worked. I have to say, at that time, Ekaterina, who was running the company, hired Kolya again, even though he had previously been fired by her missing husband. It seemed to me the company was already falling apart—everything was coming undone at the seams, and going back there made no sense, especially since the future there seemed uncertain. But at that time, I didn’t have a stable job, nor did I see any other promising offers. I wasn’t eager to return, but still, I decided to consult Nadya. She said that if I thought it was necessary to return, then I should try.
So I went back to that company. Starting August 17, I began going to work every weekday again. But as I suspected, the situation was bleak. The company’s internet department, which I belonged to, was now located in the basement rooms on the Yauza embankment. This was very different from what it had been before, and I was ashamed to work in such a place. I felt the contrast between what the office used to be and what I saw now. All hopes that the company would revive turned out to be futile, and the work brought me no joy anymore. But despite that, I kept coming in and doing my job.
One day, Nadya came to this job, and I was very uncomfortable about where I had ended up. I had to meet her in that basement, and I knew I wasn’t making the best impression. First it was Nikolay K.’s invitation to smoke weed, now this—working in some shabby place. I didn’t know how to explain all these circumstances to Nadya, because even I didn’t have a clear answer to what was happening. But I realized all this only added to her negative impression of me, laying the groundwork for her to start thinking even worse of me.
The company where I worked was in chaos, headed by Ekaterina—the wife or ex-wife of the founder, who had disappeared and nobody really knew what had happened to him. In recent years, the company had been going through restructurings and changes, all clearly pointing to its collapse. There were many rumors that Ekaterina was somehow involved in her husband’s disappearance, and I was somewhat afraid of her. These rumors and the atmosphere of uncertainty only heightened my anxiety.
By the end of August, Nadya left for Europe with her friend Dasha. She had long dreamed of this trip and joyfully told me how she planned to improve her English there. She also shared her dreams for the future—how one day she wanted to have a two-story apartment in the center of some European city, imagining how she would enjoy the view from the windows and the coziness of her place. I remember her excitement, the sparkle in her eyes as she shared her expectations and these dreams. It seemed that these images gave her strength and confidence in the future. I was genuinely happy for her, but at the same time, I was waiting for her return so we could be together again.
However, this trip seemed only to widen the distance between us. Nadya was becoming more and more independent, and I increasingly felt that our paths were slowly diverging, despite my efforts to keep the connection. Even while she was in Europe, I felt that my personal failures, working in an unprestigious place, and all the uncertainty with my career only worsened her perception of me.
September 2011 became an important stage in my relationship with Nadya. She had just started her first year at Moscow State University, and this brought me great joy. I was proud of her determination and hard work. In those days, our meetings were limited to weekends, but each of those moments was special in its own way.
On September 2, Friday evening, after my workday, Zhenya T. unexpectedly came to visit. This happened the day before a planned date with Nadya. I didn’t want to see him and tried to send him away, but he was too persistent. In the end, I gave in and agreed to drink with him, though even then I realized this could end badly.
We drank too much, and at some point, Zhenya either offered me amphetamine or slipped it to me—I was too drunk to remember all the details. It turned into a terrible night: I didn’t sleep a minute, my whole body was shaking, and I was overwhelmed with terror. In my mind, I kept thinking that Nadya and I had a date the next day, but in that state, I simply couldn’t go. I became scared and decided to tell her that I was sick, hoping to stay home and somehow get through this state.
By noon, around 12 o’clock, I finally wrote to Nadya that I wasn’t feeling well. To my surprise, she immediately replied, “I’m coming to take care of you.” This gave me mixed feelings: on the one hand, I was touched by her care, but on the other, I was terrified that she might figure out what had actually happened.
When she arrived, she brought honey apples with her, and that gesture touched me deeply. No one had given me such sincere gifts for a long time, and even though we didn’t eat them right away, the gesture itself was amazing. Later, when I tried those apples, they really were delicious and became a pleasant memory.
We spent the day watching “Gentlemen of Fortune,” and Nadya showed so much care and attention that it moved me deeply. But despite that, anxiety was growing inside me—I became more and more nervous. I knew I should have told her the truth, but I couldn’t find the courage.
Toward evening, she went home, leaving me deep in thought. I realized that I couldn’t keep hiding the truth, but my fear of confessing was stronger.
On September 10, we spent one of the most memorable days together. We met somewhere in Maryino and walked on foot to Bratislavskaya. As we walked, Nadya shared her worries about her health. She said that recently, climbing the stairs, she had felt shortness of breath and decided she needed to do more sports. I admired her strength and determination. After that, we went to Chistye Prudy and visited the Moscow Aquarium, where Nadya was delighted by the fish, especially the amphiprions, which reminded her of Nemo, and the regal tangs, similar to Dory from her favorite cartoon “Finding Nemo.” The walk was fun and joyful.
We ended the evening at a café on Lubyansky Proyezd. We ordered a glass of wine each, and Nadya made a toast: “To us!” Everything was wonderful, but there was a slight awkwardness—the café didn’t accept cards, and I had to urgently look for an ATM. Nevertheless, this didn’t spoil the evening, and we were happy.
The next day, Nikolay and Ekaterina invited me to a barbecue. I decided to go, but from the very beginning, I felt uncomfortable at this gathering. The conversations were strange, and I felt some unspoken pressure. After a lot of alcohol, I began to feel that they were trying to influence me. Not able to bear it, I ran away from the meeting and texted Nadya that I wanted to see her.
When I came to Nadya’s place, I had a breakdown. We stood for a long time on her floor, and I poured out my fears. I told her that it seemed to me that Katya might threaten me, but at the same time, I didn’t fully understand myself what was happening. I was confused and emotionally shattered. Nadya was the only person I could turn to. That night, I poured out my emotions and fears, and she was simply there, supporting me.
The next day, having sobered up, I realized that I couldn’t even adequately explain everything to Nadya, because I myself didn’t fully understand what had happened. But after that breakdown, I noticed that Nadya was confused. She didn’t understand what was happening to me and was probably thinking her own thoughts. It probably didn’t seem to her that there was anything serious at that meeting that could have affected me. Maybe she perceived it as just another fit of hysteria.
