The context was as follows: my main VKontakte page had been blocked by Nadya. However, despite this, I knew that she still occasionally visited my profile. That is why I created another account, so that I could check her updates from time to time. I was certain that she was aware of my additional accounts. After all, it is a common practice: when a guy breaks up with a girl and she blocks him, he creates a new account to continue following her life. This was normal under such circumstances, and we both understood that.
After our breakup, Nadya posted the song «А мы не ангелы, парень» (A my ne angely, paren’ — “We’re No Angels, Boy”) by Aria on her page. That gesture pierced me. I instantly read it as a message — as if she were saying that she wasn’t an angel and that no one was going to save me. It was as though she had decided something was wrong with me, that I needed to be rescued from some imagined danger. The thought stunned me. I didn’t need saving; I didn’t need anyone’s help. Yet it seemed she was projecting her own vision of the world onto me — her idea of who I was and what I needed to become.
To me, it felt like an act of coldness and indifference, as though she had completely turned her back on me. It deepened my sense of shame and helplessness, even though I understood that Nadya was probably going through her own turmoil, and that her actions reflected her inner world more than they revealed mine. That only heightened my confusion, leaving me suspended between understanding and pain — unable to decipher what her gesture truly meant.
Almost immediately after the October SMS messages, Nadya posted the song “R.I.P.” by Slot on her page. The lyrics of this song are filled with images of self-destruction, addiction, and the inevitability of a tragic ending. Lines such as “Self-destruction happens to us as we move downwards” and “As if nobody knew how the series would end” made me think. I felt that Nadya truly considered me a drug addict, like the characters in that song. This came as a shock and served as confirmation of how distorted her perception of me had become.
Realizing that she might believe I had gotten involved with drugs and was catastrophically spiraling downwards heightened my sense of despair and confusion. I could not believe that someone with whom I had been so close could think of me in such a way. This highlighted the deep chasm between us and made the situation even more painful.
I began to think about possible solutions. What steps would be the right ones? What actions would be the most reasonable? Going to see Nadya seemed too reckless… And to be honest, I was very afraid. A wave of uncertainty swept over me—uncertainty in myself, in my life, in my friends, in my work. Everything that had happened up to that point seemed unstable and shaky. This feeling of insecurity only grew stronger. I felt ashamed in front of Nadya. I did not know what to do. My thoughts revolved around complicated and confusing solutions: perhaps I should start reading more in order to find a more prestigious job? Finish renovating the house? Take up sports? I thought that only such actions could restore my confidence, and then I would not feel so ashamed in front of Nadya.
The sense of emotional powerlessness weighed on me more and more. I was desperately in need of change, in need of action, but nothing brought me relief. For example, one day I bought curtains for thirty thousand rubles—which at that time was about one thousand dollars. I thought that they would look respectable and give my room a sense of style and solidity. I hoped this would boost my confidence, but the result was not what I expected. Although the room really did become cozier, the inner sense of powerlessness did not go away.
I sought solace in music. It became the very means by which I could express my emotions. When everything around me seemed uncertain and I could not find words to explain what I was experiencing, music helped me let my feelings out. Listening to my favorite melodies, I felt as if I was finding inner harmony, even if only for a short while. Music gave me the opportunity to be myself, to escape from the endless cycle of thoughts and worries, and to feel some relief, if only for a moment.
Rap music in particular began to have a strong impact on me. It was filled with emotion and reflected the struggle—the struggle with life’s difficulties, with an unfair reality. It was precisely these kinds of songs that began to inspire me, those in which motivation for independence and the desire to move forward no matter what could be heard. Tracks that seemed to shout: “I can do anything!” “I will make it happen!”
One day I posted the song “Reach the Sky” by ST1M on my VKontakte page. This song became a symbol of struggle and overcoming for me. I hoped that it could express my feelings and inner experiences. However, Nadya’s reaction to this song was not at all what I expected. I knew that she periodically looked at my page, and it seemed to me that through this song I could convey my emotions to her. But instead of understanding, I saw that she interpreted it as an expression of anger and aggression on my part. This was hard to bear, because for me, this music signified motivation and strength, while for her, it was something entirely different.
What was even more unpleasant was that at some point, Nadya posted an article on her page claiming that rap subculture supposedly turns people into drug addicts. I was certain that this was a hint at me. This article seemed to me propagandistic and full of lies. I knew that everything written there was absolutely untrue. And it was painful to realize that this lie was somehow influencing Nadya, and apparently she believed it. It seemed Nadya had begun to form a false opinion of me, as if I had become a drug addict because of my interest in rap culture, as the article claimed.
From then on, I began to hate such articles and propaganda in general. This situation showed me how easily false claims can influence a person and distort their opinion. The truth was that I was looking for a way out of my situation, I wanted to find rational and sensible solutions. But it was difficult for me to cope with this alone. I did not know what to do, and no one could offer a concrete solution that would suit me. It seemed that nobody cared what was happening to me.
One of the key tracks for me during that period was ST1M’s song “I Do Not Care.” In it, I saw a reflection of how overcoming all problems had already happened, as if all the difficulties were left behind. Against the background of my reflections and my fascination with Charles Haanel’s book “The Master Key System,” which speaks about the influence of thoughts on reality, I began to believe that if I focused on the idea that problems were solved, they really would be. I tried to control my thoughts, convincing myself that if I started thinking everything was all right, then it would be. This was my way of coping with the situation—using the power of thought, as recommended by self-help books like “The Master Key System.”
The track “I Do Not Care” seemed to me a symbol of this overcoming, of the end of the struggle. At some point, when Nadya still allowed messages from anyone, not just friends, I decided to send her this song. I hoped it would help her understand me and what was happening to me at that moment. It seemed to me that through music, I could express my feelings and explain my motives. But unfortunately, Nadya again misunderstood me. She decided that it was an inadequate way to communicate something to her, not realizing that this song was my way of showing how I was trying to cope with difficulties. Nadya then closed the possibility for non-friends to send her messages.
Her misunderstanding and misinterpretation of my actions hurt me more and more. Each new misunderstanding only deepened the gap between us.
Nadya blocked the possibility of sending her messages, but about a week after my unsuccessful October SMS, she posted four songs by Shota on her wall. It seemed to me that they might hint that I still had a chance. I appreciated this gesture in my own way because, despite all our misunderstandings, perhaps she was leaving some bridge for communication. These songs left me with mixed feelings. On the one hand, they seemed to give hope, but on the other hand, I perceived them as something deceptive, which confused me. Perhaps this was because I felt deep shame about my actions and behavior. This shame paralyzed me, and I could not take any steps, even though I understood that perhaps a chance still existed.
But in the end, these songs were replaced by others. When Zemfira’s song “No Chance” appeared on her wall, it became clear that there was no longer any possibility of getting Nadya back. This was a clear signal that our paths had diverged.
However, I could not accept this. I was overwhelmed by indignation at the wave of lies and misunderstanding that had fallen upon me. I felt that my actions and motives had been misunderstood, that a distortion of reality had formed around me, and that I could do nothing about it. This feeling of helplessness and misunderstanding ate away at me from the inside. I could not explain the situation, I could not change it, and it was this that prevented me from letting go of Nadya.
With every new misconception Nadya had about me, my pain intensified. Her ideas about me, my actions, and motives became more and more distorted every day, and I was powerless to change anything. The helplessness of watching this caused me unbearable pain. At the same time, I desperately tried to find harmony in my own life. I tried to completely rebuild my life, but, being left entirely alone, I had to solve all my problems and find solutions on my own, which turned out to be almost impossible. The problems that I did not manage to solve appeared one after another. All of this worsened my inner chaos, making the way out of the situation even more difficult and confusing.
And this still does not let me rest. That is why I am writing this book—to finally tell my own version of events, to explain how it really was, and, perhaps, to let the situation go in this way.
