The very first thing I decided to change in my life was to stop shaving my head and start growing out my hair. A shaved head had symbolized my connection with Vasya and Zhenya, and I needed to get rid of that in order to begin a new chapter in my life. I decided that external changes could become the first step toward internal transformation.
My university classmate, Slava A., suggested that I take up sports as a way to distract myself and relieve tension. He recommended an acquaintance of his who taught pankration somewhere in the Moscow region (I can no longer remember the exact name of the town). Every week, I traveled there with him for training sessions. This helped me to switch off for a while, but despite the physical activity, what troubled me most were the messages I had sent to Nadya. However, everyone around me focused on the presence of Vasya and Zhenya in my life, believing they were the main problem. People even told me that they were a more serious threat than my relationship with Nadya. I could not believe how easily my feelings and experiences were dismissed, as if they did not matter at all.
Slava A. also believed that it was absolutely necessary to get rid of Vasya and Zhenya, but he emphasized that I absolutely had to forget Nadya as well. This opinion hurt me deeply, because my feelings about Nadya went much deeper than just the pain of a breakup. I was well aware that the danger everyone around me attributed to drugs in my case was greatly exaggerated. I had realized long ago that everything is determined by consciousness and thought. People become addicts because they think about drugs, and this shapes their behavior. But I did not feel any addiction to drugs, quite the opposite. I knew that I could control my own mind and would not let it fall into dependency.
The training sessions continued until New Year’s, but by that point I had realized that this was too exhausting for me, both physically and emotionally. Sports did not solve the main problem—the one that was rooted deep inside and tormented me every day.
After Nadya left, my job at that place lost absolutely all meaning. Firstly, Nadya was right: when I returned to that job, our Internet department was located in a basement that looked more like a shed than a proper workplace. Working in such a place was shameful, especially for me—a professional programmer. For me, it was embarrassing and humiliating. Later the company moved to Goncharnaya Street, but to be honest, the new office was not any better than the basement. The feeling of decline and hopelessness persisted.
The second issue was the influence of Nikolay K. Nadya left in part because of him. He offered me weed at our barbecues, despite her clear disapproval. Of course, perhaps I was wrong at the time to give in to his persuasion, but Nikolay K.’s influence was obviously negative. He did not respect my relationship and always acted solely based on his own selfish interests, without any consideration for the consequences for me or those around me.
The final straw that confirmed my decision to leave was the robbery by Vasya and Zhenya. After that incident, I was in terrible shape and told Kolya that I could not come to work. He replied, “Crawl here on your eyebrows, but you must work.” When I told him that Nadya had left, he simply said, “I do not care,” and that I should only think about work. This was a shock for me. How could someone I considered a boss and a friend treat my feelings and problems with such indifference? His answer only confirmed that for him I was nothing more than a tool to get the job done.
My sense of degradation increased with each passing day. My beloved girlfriend had left me, in part because of this environment. I saw no prospects here. Working in such a place was an act of self-humiliation. In the end, I made the decision to quit. On October 31, 2011, I signed my resignation letter and left the company for good.
As for psychological help, I decided to see a psychologist. At one of the sessions, he conducted a few tests and suggested we discuss my main problems. I was honest and told him that I had two problems: Nadya, and the situation with Vasya and Zhenya, who had tried to drag me into drugs. The psychologist noted that the problem with Nadya was not that significant, but drugs were a serious issue, and he recommended that I see an addiction specialist.
I followed his advice and went to see a specialist. She listened attentively to my story and understood that I was not an addict and had no dependencies. Regarding Nadya, she said that in this situation I simply needed to be confident in myself and believe that I could win her back. After two visits—to the psychologist and to the addiction specialist—I realized that this kind of help would not solve my problems. I gave up on seeking help from specialists and decided to handle everything on my own.
However, quitting my job brought no positive prospects. I was spending more and more time at home, alone with myself, unable to understand how to get out of this situation. I noticed Shota’s songs on Nadya’s VK page, which unambiguously indicated that my chances of winning her back were far from zero. But this only heightened my insecurity. I was afraid for Nadya, for our future. I did not know which direction to move. I had just lost my job, I had been robbed by friends who could no longer be called friends after all that had happened. The prospect of going to see Nadya and trying to win her back seemed insane. I thought I would only embarrass myself, because I did not know what to say or how to explain myself. I did not understand what was happening to me and could not see a way out.
Everyone around thought the problem was drugs, but that was not true. The problem was that my life had fallen apart, and it was not my fault. I had been betrayed and set up, and it was disgusting. One day, in November 2011, I was standing in the hallway at Lyosha’s place, drinking beer. That was where I met a girl named Sonya. She had come from the Moscow region, was living with her aunt, studying at university, and was a freshman, just like Nadya. We became friends, and I started to confide in her. Sonya and Lyosha were the only ones who told me that I should go to Nadya and try to win her back.
But to me it seemed impossible. I started drinking more and more, was overwhelmed by depression, and could not pull myself together. The only way out I could see was that I first needed to find a job, stabilize my life, and perhaps make new friends. I felt terribly ashamed in front of Nadya for everything that had happened. I felt completely stuck. And it killed me to realize that with each passing day, the chance of getting her back was slipping away. I knew that if I did nothing, Nadya would meet someone new. My inner voice told me that this would happen around mid-December. This was what I feared most.
During that period, when everything was falling apart and I felt absolutely lost, I suddenly discovered the songs of Kravts. His tracks—such as “If You Are Addicted, Be Independent,” “Against the Wind,” and “I Dream of the Sea”—suddenly gave me that glimmer of light and positivity that I so badly needed. Kravts seemed to describe my inner state, but more importantly, his lyrics offered a solution: do not stress and be independent. This idea resonated with what I had read in books and what I believed—that our thinking shapes reality. I thought I could change my condition by changing my thoughts, and this music became a tool for rebooting my consciousness, helping me to stop obsessing over negative thoughts.
At the beginning of December, the winter exam session at university began, and it was extremely difficult for me to get through it. All my thoughts were occupied with other things, and I could not concentrate on my studies. Time passed, and it seemed like everything was only getting worse. By the end of December, everything was confirmed: instead of four Shota songs on Nadya’s wall, there appeared the song “No Chance” by Zemfira. It became clear to me—Nadya had found someone else.
Around this time, Nadya and I had another conversation, which I went through in a state of extreme stress. One day I was at home, drinking, and feeling completely lost. At that moment, I began messaging with Nadya.
She was with her friends and told me that she had a boyfriend named Vanya. Moreover, she warned me that his brother, who worked as a police officer, might get involved if I did not leave her alone. She also said that people thought I was a drug dealer and that I could be imprisoned under articles 228 and 229. These accusations were a real blow for me. It hurt to hear such things from Nadya, because they were so far from the truth. While I was searching for a new job and trying to rebuild my life, I found myself caught in a situation that was beyond my control. The hardest part was realizing that the girl I loved had left me for reasons I could do nothing about. I felt cornered, with no idea how to get out.
I was in shock after that conversation. Perhaps I reacted wrongly at that moment. In response to her words, I said something like, “If you do not calm down, that is it,” most likely trying to protect myself from stress. This was a reaction to the recent situation with Vasya, but I understand that my words could have sounded threatening. Nadya perceived me as an unstable and aggressive person and, at that moment, decided to completely cut off communication, asking me not to write to her anymore. That was one of the darkest days of my life—the day everything between us collapsed once again.
Nevertheless, despite all these difficulties, I did not lose hope of restoring communication. I wrote to her that she deserved more, sincerely believing that soon I would get another job as a programmer and would be able to give her everything she wanted. But my words were not received as I expected. I understand that perhaps Nadya felt vulnerable and saw my attempts to reach out as pressure. After my message, she responded to me aggressively, which was another blow. I wanted to show her my desire to change things for the better, but her reaction signaled that she saw it differently. This left me feeling empty, but I did not blame her for it—I understood that my actions might have triggered those feelings.
